Photo Friday

Jane Austen’s House. Chawton, Hampshire. August, 2006.

A pleasurable task

There’s a chore on my to-do list. It is time-consuming and requires care and attention, but unlike cleaning bathrooms and doing the laundry, it is filled with nothing but pleasure and excitement, because my chore is to pack for our trip to Thailand.

It will be our first time there, and we are all very excited. I look forward to seeing a new land and a new culture.

When I think of Thailand, I think of the Thai girl who befriended my brother and my father during their first lonely months in the United States.

I think of the smiling ladies who worked at our favorite Thai restaurant, where we marvelled at their skill in carving watermelons, while we savoured Basil Chicken and Fried Rice with an egg on top. I think of blue silk, golden temples and white elephants.

I hope to post some pictures and to write a bit about what I see. We’ll be in Bangkok for some time, where my husband has some business, but we will spend Christmas in Phuket, and we’ll travel home before the end of the year.

I go to’t with delight!

Blue sky and fried fish

The other day my cousin, my little girl and I made the twenty-minute trip to Omoa, the little village where the Fort of San Fernando de Omoa is located. The sky was blue and the mountains green, and they were more beautiful than I remembered.

 

 

 

From the fort we went for a walk on the beach…

and had a delicious lunch at the Flamingo’s Restaurant. 

Maybe it’s the memories, maybe it’s the salt, but fried fish doesn’t taste the same anywhere else.  

I will remember this day. I will remember the sound of the ocean, the feel of ancient stone, and the smell of moss and salt in the air. I will remember walking behind my daughter and my dear friend, seeing her small hand holding on tight.

More pictures, here. 

My flying-with-a-toddler checklist

I had an idea for a book once, and if my life had not taken several unexpected turns, I might have pursued it. It was supposed to be a guidebook for new mothers, a manual of practical advice based on the things I found I needed when my daughter was born.

When I was pregnant I thought everything about my baby was going to be smooth and easy, because I was a smart, mature woman who would have the energy to get up at dawn, clean the house before the baby woke up, keep her in lacy, pristine outfits all day and still cook wonderful, nutritious meals that would help me lose the pregnancy weight.

Well, life made me adjust to reality very quickly. I had a cesarean and could barely get out of bed. It took me weeks to feel like a normal human being again, and I was lucky if I took a shower before noon every day. My daughter turned out to be a high-need baby who wanted to be carried all the time. She was not colicky, but she slept very lightly and when awake she demanded all my attention.

I bought many books on pregnancy and baby care. Some were better than others, and some concentrated on things like having the perfect nursery or the most stylish pregnancy wardrobe. I liked the What to Expect When You’re Expecting series very much, but what I had in mind was something light-weight, easy to carry, with chapters on shopping for the essential items that a mother really needs, like which car seat is easier to handle. I wish I had known things like that, because I hated my car seat.

My book would have sections on things like dealing with hospital staff, preparing the house for the return from the hospital, choosing a pediatrician, arranging for childcare, and traveling with young children. Common sense information that a first-time mother may simply not know or be unsure about. These days many people live far away from their elder relatives, who in the past would have been available to provide guidance in times of doubt.

And so, here’s a page from my own The Hectic New Parent Guidebook that lives in my head.

Tips for Flying with a Toddler

• Start your preparations well before your travel day. Traveling with children is twice as busy as traveling alone, and organization is the key to an untroubled journey. Begin by making a list of things to do, about a week before the trip, and make special headings for things to buy and things to pack. Take care of things like refilling prescriptions, laundering and pressing the clothes you will take with you and photocopying and organizing passports (if needed) and other documents. Make an effort to pack only what you really need, especially when it comes to the carry-on luggage. Remember that you will have a little one to care for as you make your way through the airport, and carrying an over-loaded bag will make it more difficult. Try to have everything ready two days before the flight so that on the last day you will be free from the hassle of last-minute chores.
• Pack an outfit or two for your child in your carry-on bag, because luggage gets lost and accidents happen. When packing clothes for your child, more is better. Consider the weather at your destination, but pack for the unexpected. I usually do two outfits for each day, plus extra pieces just in case. When it comes to underwear and socks, I take more than I think I will need. Always pack a blanket, wet wipes, and a pair of slippers.
• Spend a few minutes with your child packing some favorite toys to take along. Put some in the checked luggage and some in the carry-on bag.
• Pack a small toy as a surprise in your handbag, and hand it to your child as a distraction when things get noisy.
• If your child has a cold, do check with the doctor before the flight. My children have flown while nursing a cold with no adverse effects, but it is a personal choice. A quick phone call to the doctor’s office will help you make an informed decision. Remember that over-the-counter medicines in liquid form are subject to security restrictions. Chewable tablets are a good alternative.
• Take some dry, low-sugar cereal as a snack. Crackers or raisins are also a good choice. A boiled egg is a meal by itself, it’s easy to make (always a plus while getting ready for travel), and it fits into a small container or a zipper bag. Consult the airline if you can request a child meal. Dishes that have a lot of sauce are more likely to be spilled, and a meal made especially for children will be easier to handle in the confined space of an airplane. If you have a picky eater, bring a home-made meal your child is sure to eat. Liquids are under tight restrictions so don’t bring any drinks from home, as they may be confiscated. I always buy a bottle of water for my children after I pass the security checkpoint.
• Sugary juices and carbonated drinks will make your child go to the bathroom frequently so they should be avoided, or you will spend a lot of time in airplane lavatories. My rule is that when we are thirsty we drink water, other drinks are treats to be taken occasionally.
• If you are nursing and want to take a bottle of expressed milk, check the security restrictions regarding breast milk. There’s a link at the bottom of this page. I have flown with both my children while they were nursing, and I always managed to do it comfortably and easily during a flight, without losing my privacy. All you need is suitable clothing (wear separates, and choose a loose-fitting shirt in a breathable fabric, in a light color and with a pattern, in case of spills), and a receiving blanket or a scarf to cover yourself. The window seat is the best place in this case.
• If your child is still wearing diapers, it makes sense to buy the premium, extra absorbent kind to use during the flight. It will save you a lot of trouble and inconvenience. Take the time for a diaper change just before boarding. Don’t forget a plastic bag to put away the soiled diaper, and take a cloth nappy or something similar to cover the baby-changing tray that sits over the toilet in the lavatory. If you use cloth diapers at home, consider using the disposable kind while you’re traveling. Do not create more work for yourself unnecessarily.
• Pack a washcloth to soak up spills, and carrying a small packet of wet wipes is a good idea.
• If you have the choice, and your flying time is short, avoid flying too late at night or too early in the morning. If it’s not possible, it’s especially important to make sure your child is well-rested before flying. A tired toddler is more prone to tantrums and irritability. For transatlantic flights, I have found that flying through the night is the best option: children will sleep and you’ll be on the ground before you know it. Some airplanes are equipped with sky cots or baby bassinets that can hold children under a certain weight, usually 24 pounds (11 kg). Ask the staff at the ticket counter to assign you one when you check-in if your child meets the required weight limit. Being able to lay your child down for sleeping can make all the difference during a long journey, for you and your little one. Sky cots are assigned on a first-come first-serve basis, so get there early. Remember that the equipment rests a couple of feet up the wall and off the floor of the plane, so always keep an eye on your child. I never sleep during the flight when I travel alone with my children, as I prefer to be watchful and alert in case they need me.
• Always book a separate seat for your toddler if you can afford it, even if the airline allows you to share a seat. Carrying your child on your lap may be feasible during a short flight, but if you have several hours of flying time, it is far too tiring and uncomfortable. I’ve done it, and it was a dreadful 14-hour flight. Don’t count on empty seats; chances are there won’t be any. This is an instance in which the money spent will be well worth it, so make adjustments somewhere else if you must.
• If your child turns two in between your travel dates and you would prefer not to buy a separate ticket until it is required, let the airline know. Usually you will be charged two different rates, infant and child, one for each part of the journey, but you should check with the airline before you finalize your ticket purchase. Remember that the airfare will be charged according to your child’s age as of the date of the flight and not the date in which you make your booking.
• Consult the airline if you’d like to take your car seat on board, and make sure your car seat is fit for use on an airplane. The information should be listed on the back of the seat. Airlines usually do not require special restraints for children (other than the seat belt that loops around yours if you carry your child on your lap), so the use of the car seat is up to you. Before making a decision, consider whether you are traveling alone with your child, or you have a companion who can help you carry the extra load, an important point if you have a layover. Car seats are bulky and heavy, but they are an added safety measure you can take, and they are the perfect way to restrain an energetic toddler who won’t sit still. If you would like to check-in your car seat with the luggage, consider having it wrapped in plastic for protection. Luggage handling can cause real damage to the fabric and the safety buckles. Ask the airline if the seat will be treated as a piece of luggage for allowance purposes.
• Dress your child in an outfit suitable for the flight. Nothing too fancy, constricting or uncomfortable for the pressurized, air-conditioned cabin of an airplane. Pants and longer shirts are best. A shirt that leaves the tummy exposed may make your child feel cold. I like bodysuit-style undershirts in this case because they do not ride up. Layers that can be removed or put on according to the temperature in the cabin are a good idea, and comfortable shoes that won’t pinch little feet after a long day are a must.
• Carry a stick of lip balm in your handbag. Airplanes are notorious for causing dry skin. Air travel regulations do not allow liquids or gels to be carried on board or to pass through security checkpoints, so consult the rules if you’d like to carry moisturizing lotion in your hand luggage.
• Inform yourself about the current security restrictions. The preparation will result in a smoother path through security. Shoes that are easy to remove are a good idea. The screening process may be upsetting for some children, so it’s good to be prepared. My daughter was in tears the first time we traveled, especially when I was screened with a hand-held metal detector, so now I always talk her through every step, in a cheerful and reassuring tone of voice.
• Get there early. Give yourself enough time to reach the airport even if you find yourself dealing with unexpected delays, like traffic jams or road construction. Remember that security screening takes time, and gates close well before departure times.
• Have something ready to give your child to chew during take-off and landing, as it will help relieve pressure in the ears. Chewing gum is the obvious choice, and even if you do not approve of it, consider making an exception and allowing its use on this occasion, as nothing else serves the purpose half so well.
• Take along a couple of crayons (not too many or it can be a mess if they roll away), and a small, blank notebook, or a light-weight coloring book.
• Pack a small, favored backpack for your child to carry in the plane. Include a few small toys like miniature plastic animals and small books. Don’t pack too many or the bag will be too heavy. Encourage your child to play with one or two toys at a time. You want to avoid losing a small, hard-to-find dinosaur in the plane.
• If your child likes to throw toys on the floor, consider taking only a soft stuffed animal. You don’t want to have an irate neighbor who just got a plastic toy thrown at his head.
• Request a window seat for the child. The two-seater row is best, as you’ll be without a neighbor.
• Take a funny, entertaining  picture book to combat boredom. At home, try to keep the book away from your child for a few days so it becomes new again the day of the flight.
• If a tantrum is looming, take evasive action. Get up and take your child for a walk around the airplane.
• If your journey is long and you will have a connecting flight before you reach your destination, a change of clothes will refresh your child, so make use of the spare outfit you packed in your overnight bag.
• Don’t forget to pack your child’s feeding bowl and spoon and fork in the checked luggage. Children get attached to their own things, and familiar items will help calm any feelings of unease upon arriving at a new place.
• If shopping right away once you arrive at your destination will be an inconvenience, do pack some non-perishable food you can feed your child.
• Keep in mind that small bodies feel tired more quickly, so be understanding if your child cries and feels out of sorts.
• Be calm and don’t lose your temper. Pass along some good vibes to your child and make use of your sense of humor. Flying can be a fun experience for young children.
• Here are some useful links as you prepare your trip. In the United States, the Transportation Safety Board‘s website has information on what you can take with you, and this link will take you to the section on traveling with children. In the United Kingdom, go here for the latest on security control.
• Finally, a disclaimer. The information on this list is based upon common sense, and my own experience as a mother who travels with young children. I have tried to keep in mind the latest security restrictions regarding airplane travel when writing this list, but you should do your own checking. Official sources are the only ones who can dispel your doubts unequivocally.

Wait Till They Get My Letter

The flight from Lahore to Abu Dhabi is like a bus ride. The only things missing are the armpits in your face and the elbows poking your back. The airlines use older planes on this route and the flight attendants don’t even bother to be polite. They almost throw the food at you and every request is greeted with a roll of the eyes. Their instructions are barked rather than spoken. SIT DOWN! TURN THE PHONE OFF!

The passengers, most of whom are contract laborers in the UAE, are treated with unconcealed disdain. I’ve noticed it before, but this time I found it more grating than usual. I have a lower tolerance for rudeness now than I did when I was younger, and I’m glad of it. I won’t keep quiet when I see unjustified, obnoxious behavior, much less when it comes from people who get paid to serve others.

When we started our descent, my daughter woke up and wanted to go to the bathroom. The seatbelt light was on, but we were still a good seven to ten minutes from landing. I told the flight attendant that I needed to get up.

 ”It’s not allowed,” she said.

By this time my daughter was quietly crying and begging me to let her go. I asked again but nothing changed. I finally said:

“I’m just warning you. My daughter will pee herself on the floor or the seat”

“That is YOUR choice”, the flight attendant answered me.

I felt so sorry for my daughter, and so angry with this woman.

I’ve read about people who have argued with flight crews over little things and been arrested for disturbing a flight. Their manner throughout the flight did not make me think they would be conciliatory, and I didn’t want to have a bigger problem on my hands. The man sitting next to me kept telling me to get up, and he started telling some of the other passengers what was going on. I kept trying to get the attention of the other flight attendant, and her purposely turned face infuriated me more.

My little girl was so brave, I was proud of her. I told her to do it on the floor. I took off her pants and urged her to relieve herself where she could, but she held on, the fat, round tears running down her cheeks.

In the end the other flight attendant told me I could get up at my own risk, and my daughter made it to the toilet well before landing. But I was burning with anger and ready for a fight.

When we landed I asked for the particular flight attendant’s name and employee number. They immediately called the supervisor over and I had the pleasure of giving her a piece of my mind.

What made me angry was not that I was told I couldn’t get up. It was the manner in which I was refused, and the words ‘YOUR choice’, as if I would purposely have my little girl go through this experience. As if it would ever be my choice to have my daughter pee herself on the floor in front of everyone.

They took me back to First Class and the supervisor was very apologetic, but I could tell that they were all stunned. I was not irate, but I was forceful, and I berated them for their overall behavior.

“Oh, we can tell that you are not like the other ones”, I was told. I felt like smacking her, but all I said was that nobody should be treated like that. I wish they all get to read the letter of complaint that I will write when I get home.

Overall it was a hellish flight. My whole experience in Abu Dhabi was dreadful. I went to a cell phone store to buy a phone card and I was kept waiting for 10 minutes while white people who came after me were served first. When I complained to the salesman he laughed and said he hadn’t seen me, but I was right in front of him at the counter the whole time.

I was fed up, tired and with a sleepy toddler in my arms. I told him off. He whispered something in Arabic to his co-worker, and when he tried to give me change in the local currency (I paid in dollars), I flatly refused.

I was too tired to seek his superior, and with the prospect of nearly twenty hours of flight time ahead of me, I had had enough for one evening.

A bit of earth

We got back into town late last night, after spending several days at my husband’s family farm. It is a four-hour journey, and the traffic is scary, but we braved the nighttime onslaught of passenger buses, over-loaded trucks and daredevil drivers just to sleep in our own bed.

The land has been in my husband’s family for nearly two centuries. I am glad to know a place that my husband holds so dear. There is a sense of belonging in having deep roots, in being able to say ‘this was my father’s land and his father’s before him’ and it seems natural to feel a connection to the land itself.

The history of one’s family, one’s ancestors is there, in the dust whirling in the wind, in the wheat that whispers in the sun, in the juicy red of a 30-year-old fifty-five-year-old bougainvillea bush. I now know the color of an ear of wheat, I have felt the brush of its bushy tip against my skin.

The work of the land is the hardest work of all. There is nothing romantic about sweat, about hard physical labor and never-ending toil, but few things could be more beautiful, even if, like my husband’s family, you have a hundred workers to help you do it.

There are people whose families have worked for them and lived on their land for generations. I have met a lady who cared for my husband when he was a baby, whose daughter now cares for his nephew, and last summer, the village barber who gave him his first shave came to the house to give him a haircut. Such permanence and loyalty give you a sense of who you really are, and learning their value makes you a better human being, more willing to be contented despite the vicissitudes of life.

I have been a foreigner for most of my life. I was one month short of turning 17 when I arrived in the United States to stay, and as an impassioned, earnest teenager, I refused to call our apartment ‘home’ for months. I would say, ‘let’s go back to the apartment’. My father offered to send me back and let me live with relatives, but I didn’t want that either. I can’t remember when I let my guard down, but eventually the United States became my home. I didn’t know then that one day I, like thousands of other immigrants, would come to feel unwanted.

I have thought many times that because I had left my home, ‘home’ could be anywhere. And I still think the same, because I believe home is something that you build, like a nest, with bits of this and bits of that, and really, all you need is those you love. But there is also something to be said for familiarity, for heritage, for knowing where your origins are and what they signify.

I have more to say about this, and about my own immigrant experience, but I will leave that for another post.

I will now introduce you to Brown Horse, our daughter’s mare:

She is pregnant and due in early autumn. I am looking forward to the birth, for my daughter, who is horse-mad, and for myself. We plan to be there, and I am sure it will be an extraordinarily moving event.